From the Desk of: A Concerned Citizen
Date: 7/14/2009
From: Squidland
RE: Leggings
Priority: URGENT
Skirt’s with leggings on underneath are wicked effin dumb. If it is too cold out to wear a skirt, put pants on, believe me none of us will lose sleep over a nice pair of tight jeans as opposed to a skirt and leggings. In fact, I bet you would find that a majority of men prefer that look in the winter. I mean, we all know that you all are crazy, no offense (really), it’s just science. I recently took in the theatrical adventure that is “He’s Just Not That Into You” the movie itself is fit for the subject of another letter but really that movie must have been written, directed and produced by men making fun of women (or could it be you’re all lunatics?) because there is no way women would do that to their fellow kind. I digress (and just wrote on of the longest run-on’s ever) the point is: If you are cold wear pants, if you are doing this to make a fashion point, point taken: you have no taste and finally if you think that you don’t look good in a skirt: go to the effin gym, go for a run, do Pilates or yoga or something b/c summer is right around the corner and we want to see you in skirts. (Run-on number two for those of you counting @ home) Finally, I love a great set of legs but make up your mind either put them out there to be enjoyed or cover 'em up; the legging/skirt combo is not attractive and it makes you appear retardedly indecisive to the rest of the population.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Monday, July 13, 2009
Dear Scurred Drivers
Dear Scurred Drivers,
I know you are scurred. Don’t be. Everything is going to be OK, just take a deep breath. Feeling better? Good, I’m glad. Hopefully some of your fear (or furr) has subsided and perhaps, if I am lucky, your elbows are no longer locked in position with your hands firmly grasping the wheel at 10 and 2. Now listen up, because we are about to have some words…
Question: Would you causally step on a treadmill going at max speed? Oh, you wouldn’t? That’s interesting, that’s fucking interesting, then why do you think its perfectly fine to enter the highway at forty effing miles per hour? I know those on-ramps are tricky, with their slight curves and such, but I believe in you. I mean, think about, even the slowest people on the road are still going at least 20 mph faster than you are. You really think entering the highway at that speed is safe??? But apparently you DO think its safe having people slam on their brakes or abruptly changes lanes to avoiding crashing into you. You are the one going slower so how could you possibly be in the wrong?! And do you even know how to use your rear view mirror, or are you so stricken with fear when you are behind the wheel you can only focus on the cars in front of you? It seems like the latter is true, because you fail to notice the 10 car pile up behind you when you are going 65 in the passing lane. Uhhhhhh, it’s called the passing lane and you ain’t going to passing shit at that speed my friend, so get the EFF out of my lane! You know when someone is riding up your ass on the highway they aren’t doing for just shits and giggles; they’re doing it because you are driving where you don’t belong. You belong in the right lanes, so say something like, "This jerk just keeps tailing me, wah wah wah, blah blah blah" put your pacifier back in your mouth, slow down more, change lanes as slow as you possibly can and just go to your home.
And one more thing, going through that yellow light was MY decision to make, NOT yours! I almost rear-ended you because you are such a fucking pussy driving. Whoa, I better call it quits before I say something I’ll regret…I want to murder you. Damn. Well, I’m glad we had this talk, see you out there.
Sincerely,
The Dentist
A Concerned Citizen
I know you are scurred. Don’t be. Everything is going to be OK, just take a deep breath. Feeling better? Good, I’m glad. Hopefully some of your fear (or furr) has subsided and perhaps, if I am lucky, your elbows are no longer locked in position with your hands firmly grasping the wheel at 10 and 2. Now listen up, because we are about to have some words…
Question: Would you causally step on a treadmill going at max speed? Oh, you wouldn’t? That’s interesting, that’s fucking interesting, then why do you think its perfectly fine to enter the highway at forty effing miles per hour? I know those on-ramps are tricky, with their slight curves and such, but I believe in you. I mean, think about, even the slowest people on the road are still going at least 20 mph faster than you are. You really think entering the highway at that speed is safe??? But apparently you DO think its safe having people slam on their brakes or abruptly changes lanes to avoiding crashing into you. You are the one going slower so how could you possibly be in the wrong?! And do you even know how to use your rear view mirror, or are you so stricken with fear when you are behind the wheel you can only focus on the cars in front of you? It seems like the latter is true, because you fail to notice the 10 car pile up behind you when you are going 65 in the passing lane. Uhhhhhh, it’s called the passing lane and you ain’t going to passing shit at that speed my friend, so get the EFF out of my lane! You know when someone is riding up your ass on the highway they aren’t doing for just shits and giggles; they’re doing it because you are driving where you don’t belong. You belong in the right lanes, so say something like, "This jerk just keeps tailing me, wah wah wah, blah blah blah" put your pacifier back in your mouth, slow down more, change lanes as slow as you possibly can and just go to your home.
And one more thing, going through that yellow light was MY decision to make, NOT yours! I almost rear-ended you because you are such a fucking pussy driving. Whoa, I better call it quits before I say something I’ll regret…I want to murder you. Damn. Well, I’m glad we had this talk, see you out there.
Sincerely,
The Dentist
A Concerned Citizen
Thursday, July 9, 2009
Dear Blog
Dear Blog,
I once thought you were the worst word/idea in the entire world. The word used to raise my blood pressure 100 pts. However, the personal health impact of the word blog has been reduced since the advent of Twitter. It just doesn't seem as cataclysmic anymore. However, I view this less as a web log chronicling the daily minutia of our lives, but more as a supplemental unifying POTV source, or a SUPS if you will (or not, whatever's funnier), used to bring people the world over the good word about the storied history and state of the vibe (by chronicling the minutia of our lives and raising our voices against irritants). In the future I will have more in depth posts, but for now know that you are no longer on thin ice.
Sincerely,
Face
A Concerned Citizen
I once thought you were the worst word/idea in the entire world. The word used to raise my blood pressure 100 pts. However, the personal health impact of the word blog has been reduced since the advent of Twitter. It just doesn't seem as cataclysmic anymore. However, I view this less as a web log chronicling the daily minutia of our lives, but more as a supplemental unifying POTV source, or a SUPS if you will (or not, whatever's funnier), used to bring people the world over the good word about the storied history and state of the vibe (by chronicling the minutia of our lives and raising our voices against irritants). In the future I will have more in depth posts, but for now know that you are no longer on thin ice.
Sincerely,
Face
A Concerned Citizen
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