Dear DTS

Who the fuck do you think you are?! That was a rhetorical question so don’t even bother answering. I’ll tell you who you are; you are a guy who thinks he is too cool for school. Well I got news for you Walter Cronkite…you’re not. That’s right I said it! I know for a fact you have hundreds of letters floating around in your head just itching to get out and put people in their respective places.

"Oh look at me, I’m DTS and I am just so effing busy, blah blah blah. I couldn’t possibly spare one second to type in takeaneffingletter.blogspot.com into my interweb browser and effing write a goddamn letter!"

That was you. Ok so I know you are technologically challenged but last time I checked you were moving past that. I have seen you utilize at least 4 television channels at the same time, you have a cellular telephone (I still can’t believe you sold out like that), and you now have your very own personal computer. All the pieces are there just pull the trigger. Also I think you should be aware that holding in letters when they should be written can damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!

Final thought for you friend, as a concerned citizen it pains me to see a fellow concerned citizen such as yourself, not sharing your concerns with the citizens of the world. The People need these letters to shine light upon the dark, shine your light good sir, SHINE!

With Love,

The Dentist
A Concerned Citizen

Dear Loud Desk Fart

Why must you plague me so? You come out to play at the most inopportune times and I can't figure out why. Was it something I said? I'm just sitting there minding my own beeswax, trying to get some 'work' done, and out of nowhere....there you are. It is very unsettling to know that at any point in time, with co-workers around, you may drop in to say a quick 'hello'. Yes, sometimes I may gamble a bit, but who doesn't? What am I to do? Get up everytime I get that special feeling? That just does not seem reasonable and I'm sure my work would suffer from it. Sometimes it would be nice if you used a little discretion. Come out after work, when I'm outside, in the subway, or even at home! Just please leave me alone when my boss and co-workers are present. They do not appreciate your presence, which I know, is strange. Please don't get me wrong, I like having you around, just not at my desk. I will work on this but you need to contribute something too if this is going to work. Perhaps we can have chat chit on the train tonight after work? We are getting ahead of ourselves. I just ask that you have a bit of humility at times. That's all. Thank you. And, see you soon. Probably very soon..

Sincerely,

Britastic
A Concerned Citizen