An Hour Outside

Dear Dentist,

It is now 1:59 AM and I am now back inside having spent the last hour locked out. So this is how it went down. I didn't grab my keys on the way out to smoke the cigritttss because I am a moron and as the door downstairs closed I knew that I was fucked. I had a cig, a lighter, my phone (I have an IPhone, its no big deal), and a fucking hibernating bear for a motherfucking roommate. Its fortunate that the four fire sprinklers in our apartment are all in your room because a fire alarm alone would not penetrate your dream bubble of sordid brace porn and media manipulation. I called your cellphone over ten times, texted you and rang the buzzer for about 3 minutes if you were to add it all up. And I called 411 to get the apartment phone number. Yeah I called 411 for my own number. Sups. That phone has the loudest most abrasive ring known to man. I called that over 10 times as well. I could hear it from downstairs and even from there it was harsh. During this time all I had for entertainment was scoping the passing honey wagons and grooving to the hot beats that occasionally rolled by. But as the hour passed they dwindled. Things were looking grim. But I kept at it and eventually I heard footsteps upstairs and the door getting buzzed open. I sprang up, climbed 6 steps, and barreled through the door in about a second. I was like a coiled snake. And I burst open the door of the apartment to sing your praises and renounce Jebus only to see that you are still asleep. The footsteps I heard thumping were not those of a lumbering half-asleep dentist but of a rightfully angry neighbor. I must have dominated her world for that hour with the apartment phone and the buzzer.

Five things I have learned:

1. Keys open doors. Bring them with you when you go places.
2. I am mildly retarded.
3. I have little to no ass. It is currently killing me, not from the training, but from sitting on the concrete steps.
4. I have an apology to make to a neighbor.
5. You're toast in the event of an emergency or intruder.

Best of the day to you sir,
Face

A Concerned Citizen